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Friday, July 6, 2012

Dickipedia: Lance Armstrong

lancearmstrongA friend of OTR that we’d rather not name tipped us off to a site called Dickipedia.org. You guessed it, it’s Wikipedia for people that are dickheads. So, we figure we’ll post some of the sports-related entries.

Today, Lance Armstrong:

Early Life

Lance Armstrong began his dick time trials as Lance Edward Gunderson, son of Linda Gayle Mooneyham and Eddie Charles Gunderson. The two named him, for some reason, after Lance Rentzel, a middling Dallas Cowboys wide receiver best known for indecently exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl. Lance took the last name Armstrong from one of the three more husbands his mother would go on to have, astutely recognizing that he’d get a lot further in life as an Armstrong than a Gunderson.

Armstrong also goes by the nickname Mellow Johnny, adapted from “Maille Jaune,” which is French for “I use the fact that I had cancer as an excuse for doing things like taking steroids and divorcing my wife so I could nail an Olsen twin.”

Racing

Lance Armstrong is best known for winning the Tour de France a record seven consecutive times, leading many to consider him the world’s greatest cyclist. This is a dubious distinction, considering that cycling is arguably the world’s gayest sport, evinced by the vast quantity of Spandex and the fact that so many French people love it.

To some, Armstrong’s performance in the Alps stages of the race is an incredible physical feat, on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis. To detractors, it is little more than the product of continuous training, also on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis.

Nevertheless, Lance Armstrong is credited with revolutionizing the sport, most notably in bringing together a wide array of sponsors to fund, train, and outfit himself. Armstrong was a pioneer in taking this NASCAR-esque approach to bike racing, only without the alcoholism and confederate flag bikinis.

In addition to rigorous training, Lance Armstrong owes his success to several outside factors, including a higher lung capacity than the average person, a 30% larger heart, and much lower levels of lactate in his blood. Also, steroids. Some critics have even gone so far as to theorize that testicular cancer actually helped him win the Tour de France, a charge based on the phenomenon that eunuchs are more aerodynamic.

Lance Armstrong officially retired from racing on July 24, 2005, at the end of the Tour de France, coincidentally just minutes before the nurse showed up to test his blood.

Doping

Throughout his career, Lance Armstrong has continually denied using performance-enhancing drugs, an obvious indication that he has. Armstrong claims to be the “most tested athlete in the world,” having withstood various courtroom trials, official examinations, and reports by teammates, with no clear evidence of doping ever found. Many wonder why Roger Clemens never asked for consultation.

In 2005, responding to calls from the International Olympic Committee and the World Anti-Doping Agency, UCI, the world governing body of cycling, appointed Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman to conduct an independent study of Armstrong’s urine tests. He, too, found nothing, marking the first time a Dutchman was unable to find dope.

Cancering

Like fellow dick Rudy Giuliani, Lance Armstrong is a noted survivor of “man-part carcinoma.” He has since become the public face of cancer of the balls.

Armstrong’s treatment included brain and testicular surgery, extensive chemotherapy, and even more extensive self-promotion, most notably in the form of “Livestrong” bracelets. Thanks to him, half of all Americans are still walking around with ridiculous yellow rubber bands around their wrists. (In Armstrong’s defense, would you wear a bracelet that said “Liveunderson”?)

Personal Life

Lance Armstrong married Kristin Richard in 1998. After bearing him three children, caring for them while he spent up to half a year, every year, training in Spain, and then supporting him through major illness and recovery, Armstrong rewarded his wife by dumping her for singer-songwriter Cheryl Crow. He subsequently broke off his engagement to Ms. Crow after she was diagnosed with cancer. That, apparently, was too much of a downer for him.

In October 2007, he began dating Mary Kate Olsen. Or was it Ashley Olsen? No, it was Mary Kate. Whichever one it was, for a brief period, Armstrong was putting it to an anorexic ex-child star more than half his age. Not bad for a guy with one ball.

Post-Cycling

Since retirement, Lance Armstrong has focused his efforts on the Lance Armstrong Foundation and other interests, such as admiring his dimples in the mirror and going on talk shows wearing a sport coat/T-shirt combo.

Lance Armstrong also ran the New York City Marathon, making him the second high-profile dick to do so after P. Diddy in 2003.

Armstrong has even publicly contemplated entering politics. On more than one occasion, he has hinted at possibly running for governor of Texas, for which he is obviously well qualified via his high school GED and a life experience limited almost entirely to riding a bike, getting chemo, and appearing in Us Weekly.

Matthew McConaughey

By the way, he hangs out with Matthew McConaughey. All the time. They go jogging together, shirtless.

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